If you've never met the devil in the road of life, it's because you're both heading in the same direction.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman..
You can be whatever you want, however, in your case you should probably aim low.
If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember..
Tell me... Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Mirrors can't talk, lucky for you they can't laugh either.
Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics, I can assure you that mine are all greater.
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
You'd be in good shape, if you ran as much as your mouth.
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket..
You know there's just one more thing to need to do after you crack a joke... Tickle the other person.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt..
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on..
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
What you have become, is the price you paid to get what you used to want.
Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once. -Eva Gabor
A half truth is a whole lie.. . -Yiddish Proverb
I don't know what weapons will be used in world war three, but in world war four people will use sticks and stones.
The road to success is always under construction..
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you..
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing that's why we recommend it daily.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason..
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and whatever you hit call it the target.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.